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Quote of the Day:
"I'm intelligent because I can repeat witty things things people more famous than I'll ever be have said."
--F. Scott Fitzgerald
I'M SO COOL!!
Today I realized that I've seen the same old lady in the supermarket where I work for the last three days. She's so old that she has nothing better to do than go buy groceries every single day. I'm so glad I'll always be young.
NEW QUOTE!!!!!!
Melodie: "I have a bladder infection!"
(Beatles)
vs
(Red Army)
Are you circumcised?
Update your web page!
I wish everyone around me wasn't such a classicist. People don't understand how ashamed they ought to be for not being poor. How can people not see how offensive it is to wear clothes with Papst Blue Ribbon emblems on them? Don't they see that members of the working class who can't afford anything but PBR do give a shit what a bunch of spoiled hipsters waste their money on in order to look cool? I may have never spoken to anyone from the working class, but I'm sure they would back me up on this.
Today I wore my gray shirt with the orange stripe and my green pants. I like to wear clothes that make a statement.
This one time, my friends and I got really drunk, and then sat around talking about how drunk we were and how cool we all were because we were drinking, because you really have to be special to get drunk as it requires a uniqueness and depth of personality: not everyone is interesting enough to require slowed reflexes and impaired judgment in order to enjoy spending time with others. Anyway, I only bring it up because I wanted you to know what an exciting mature individual I am because I pay cash money to go to anonymous parties at strangers' houses and drink watery margaritas and have stimulating conversations with other strangers about what a great party we're at and what fulfilling lives we lead because we're at a party and because we're drinking, which, as I've already discussed, makes us more interesting (and it's not at all because that's the image the entertainment industry has crammed down our throats since before we were born - we're nothing like those stupid fraternities or the Girls Gone Wild movies, when we stand around talking about nothing but how much we've had to drink or how much ass we're going to get tonight, it's not because we've internalized the years of messages that consuming things that make you feel funny makes you a free spirited rebel and are simply conforming to this very low denominator because we are bland, flavorless nobodies who don't know how to entertain ourselves and need an excuse to behave like the immature sheep we are deep down inside, oh no, it is because we are truly wise and know that feeling funny is really cool and is objectively better than our beige existence between periods of drunkenness). Anyhow, like I was saying, what else could you possibly need to ever talk about other that how drunk you are, amusing things that happened to you or your friends while you were drunk, how fascinating poetry is, or how drunk you plan to get in the near future? Seriously, I think that people who talk about things other than drinking and animal rights must be really boring: how can you be worth talking to if you're not going to talk about drinking and vaginal penetration at least 51% of the time? I guess I only know a few people like that, since I try to spend as much of my time with interesting (drunk) people as possible. When I am occasionally stuck in a go-nowhere conversation with someone who wants to talk about something other than beer or hip-hop, I usually have to change the subject to drinking as often as I get the chance to speak just to keep myself from falling asleep! It's for their own good anyway, sharing stories about getting really drunk will hopefully show them what a fun and non-one-dimensional life you can lead by spending all the time you're not drinking by talking about drinking. That's what's key to me. It's not so much that I get drunk all the time, which any football player can do, but that all I ever talk about is being or getting drunk, which I'm sure no one I consider to be objectively below me does, not that I would ever associate with such a person to find out. I'm sure it never annoys anybody to hear me yakyakyak about how great I am because I drink. And believe you me, I am great, and it's because I drink.
More praise for Convolutopia:
"Forget The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, or The Globe and Mail; read Convolutopia daily and learn about all that really matters in the world." --Amy
"Convolutopia is to me what Jesus is to those Christian dudes. He puts it all on the line for me." -- Darrell
"I create portraits of Bono and The Edge out of my own pubic hair." --Tony
"Convolutopia's innovative design and ground-breaking layout show me how weak and pathetic my own webmastering skills really are." --"Bec"
"Chicks with big tits turn me on!" -- D-lov
"I read Convolutopia for the important questions it continually raises about the nature of existence and the meaning of love, life, and the hypocrisy of American governmental institutions." --Val
"Guns'n'Roses broke up? Damn!" --Tony
"No one appreciates me." --Tony
"Tom Jones kicks ass! I wish I were a woman so I could bear his children!" --Tony
"Did you watch Friends last week? You didn't? Oh..." --Tony
A friend's webpage
(It's not gross)
In with the old!
Normally I would never provide a link to such an outdated page: only things that are brand new and cutting edge are worth looking at. It's like with music; the only good music artists are the really obscure ones that no one has ever heard of; that's all I listen to (with the exception of Alanis, but she is such an amazing and beautiful person, it's okay to listen to her). Listening to music other people don't makes me special.
Look at my new poetry:
The world is a tomato
The world is an plumcot
The world is a pomelo
The world is grape
No war in Iraq!
Writing poetry affirms my sense of superiority over losers who don't understand my art.
The music I listen to is who I am
You Should Visit:
How Does a Catalytic Converter on an Automobile Work?
Third day of the twelfth month of the two thousand second year since absolute zero;
Today I checked my mail and went to the library, and in my Women's Studies class, which is very important to me and to all people (why aren't you taking Women's Studies? Understanding the persecution of women throughout history shows us all how evil white men are!), we discussed how intelligent and enlightened we all were because we were in a Women's Studies class. I sat in a chair during lunch; I have quite the random and different personality! That makes me better than people than other people.
Fear not the Enemy, for She is Us!
read on...
IN 1759, George Washington, a white male, asked his slave to bring him a glass of water; home of the free indeed!
People in Africa have AIDS, don't you care?
Enough about me, it's time to talk about something really important:
Catalytic Converters
A catalytic converter is a device used by "President" Bush and other Republicans to convert cash soft-money donations into support for oppressive dictators in countries with really long names who starve their citizens to death because they don't like them and Bush thinks that's really cool because seeing pictures of the starving people on the news makes him feel buff and muscular and gets him all pumped up to drill for oil and kill cuddly baby seals because seeing the baby seals' penises makes him feel inadequate.
If I were a color I would be deep blue.
I dare you!
Welcome Back
Copyright © 2003 Blake Austin
Last revised: Sunday, September 14, 2003.